One day Suhana, a Year 6 student, entered the classroom with tears in her eyes. Her teachers had noticed that she had become unusually quiet over the past few months and was continuously failing her assessments. Teachers often called her out, asking her to focus more on studies and improve her test performance, but she never explained what she was going through. She would quietly sit in the corner, avoiding conversations and struggling to concentrate.
A few days later, Suhana came to the staffroom looking emotionally exhausted. In a trembling voice, she said she wanted to talk to me privately. As she began speaking, years of pain poured out. “There are severe fights in my family,” she said. “My father beats up my mother every day. We are four sisters, and my father was never happy with any of us.”
At that moment, I realised that her poor academic performance was not due to laziness or lack of intelligence. She was a child emotionally trapped in a home filled with fear, violence, and insecurity, making her survival more important than studies.
Not every child struggling in the classroom is weak in studies; some of them are silently fighting emotional battles on the home front.
When I used to teach in Karachi, Ahsan Ali, a student of class 10 had suddenly become quiet, distracted, and emotionally withdrawn. I noticed that despite being intelligent, he was consistently avoiding participation in class activities.
One afternoon, he stayed behind after class and softly said, “Miss, I cannot study at home.” As the conversation continued, he shared that his parents fight almost every day, and the environment in his house was filled with shouting, abuse, and fear. “My father insults my mother all the time,” he said. “He does not like my mother. I have never seen him caring for her.”
The boy admitted that he spent most nights awake, anxious, and emotionally disturbed. Her declining academic performance was the emotional burden he carried silently every single day.
Although, a child’s home is supposed to be the safest place in the world. It is where trust is built, emotions are nurtured, and personalities begin to grow. But for countless children in Pakistan, home is not a place of comfort. It is a place of shouting, fear, silence, emotional neglect, and sometimes physical violence. While society often dismisses these experiences as “family matters” or “strict parenting,” science is now revealing a disturbing reality: childhood exposure to violence can physically shape the developing brain.
Recent brain imaging research has shown that children raised in violent or unstable environments may display brain activity patterns similar to soldiers returning from war zones. A functional MRI study conducted on 43 children found that those exposed to abuse, neglect, or frequent family conflict showed heightened activation in the amygdala and anterior insula when viewing angry faces. These areas of the brain are responsible for processing fear, threats, and anticipation of pain. Even without a diagnosed mental illness, these children’s brains appeared trapped in survival mode — constantly scanning for danger instead of focusing on learning, creativity, or emotional development.
This discovery should force societies around the world, and especially in Pakistan, to rethink how childhood trauma is understood. A child does not need visible bruises to be wounded. Repeated exposure to screaming arguments, humiliation, emotional coldness, domestic violence, or instability can silently alter the architecture of the brain. When fear becomes routine, the brain adapts to survive rather than to grow.
Psychology explains how children learn behaviour by observing the adults around them. If boys constantly watch their fathers insulting, abusing, or disrespecting mothers, they may normalise the same behaviour and repeat the same in their adulthood.
Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory suggests that children learn behaviours through observation and imitation. Boys raised in violent households may unconsciously adopt aggressive behaviour as normal marital conduct because they repeatedly witness it inside their homes.
Moreover, Jean Piaget, the Swiss psychologist, believed that children develop intellectually through interaction with their environment. A healthy, peaceful, and emotionally secure environment helps children learn, think critically, and solve problems effectively. However, when children grow up in homes filled with violence, fear, and emotional stress, their cognitive development and concentration are negatively affected.
According to Piaget’s Cognitive Development Theory, a child’s learning ability develops through a healthy interaction with the environment. Children living in emotionally unstable homes often struggle academically because their minds remain occupied with fear, stress, and insecurity rather than learning.
Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Development Theory explains that children develop their sense of trust, confidence, and emotional identity through family relationships. Continuous exposure to domestic violence, parental conflict, and emotional neglect can damage a child’s emotional stability and influence future relationships and behavior.
However, children living in such environments often become hyper-alert. They may struggle to relax, trust others, regulate emotions, or focus in school. Some become aggressive because aggression is what they witness daily. Others become withdrawn and emotionally numb. Many carry invisible anxiety throughout adulthood without ever understanding its roots. Long-term stress responses can eventually affect physical health as well, increasing risks of depression, heart disease, addiction, and chronic illness later in life.
According to a World Health Organisation (WHO) report published in 2015, 322 million people suffer from depression all over the world. This had increased by 18.4% from 2005 to 2015. The prevalence varies among different ages with 8.7% prevalence globally in children aged 15-19 years.6 One of the studies conducted amongst boys from a secondary school in Saudi Arabia revealed 41% of the students suffering from depression, half of them reported to have anxiety and stress was found in approximately 35% of the boys. A different study conducted in a secondary girl’s school in Abha, Saudi Arabia showed 42% of the girls suffering from depression with 68% of the total population experiencing anxiety while around half of the girls suffering from stress. A study on emotional and behavioral problems faced by school going children of Karachi reported higher prevalence as compared to other countries. In another recent survey in Rawalpindi, one in four adolescents in public schools of rural Rawalpindi were identified as psychosocially distressed.
A study by a Hyderabad-based NGO shows that 1 in 3 children struggle with mental health challenges — yet 90% never receive help. Anxiety, depression, and ADHD are not “bad behaviour.” They are real health concerns that deserve understanding, support, and care. Up to 35% of school-aged children live with a diagnosable mental health condition.
In the Pakistani context, physical punishment remains a widely accepted form of discipline within households. In many cases, it becomes severe enough to cause physical harm. Alongside physical abuse, psychological and emotional neglect is also highly prevalent. Many parents, due to cultural norms and lack of awareness, do not fully recognise or respond to their children’s emotional and psychological needs, often overlooking issues of self-esteem, confidence, and emotional wellbeing.
This contributes to a cycle where emotional needs of children are systematically ignored; shaping their development in ways that may carry long-term psychological consequences.
This issue is particularly alarming because violence within homes is often normalised. Many children grow up hearing parents insult each other, witnessing physical fights, or living under constant emotional tension. Corporal punishment is still widely defended as discipline. Emotional neglect is ignored because parents are struggling with economic pressure, social expectations, and their own unresolved trauma. Children are told to stay quiet, obey elders, and suppress emotions rather than express them.
Unfortunately, our society rarely recognises mental and emotional suffering in children. If a child becomes silent, anxious, aggressive, or socially isolated, families often label them “stubborn,” “disrespectful,” or “weak.” Very few parents understand that behaviour is often communication. Behind anger may be fear. Behind silence may be emotional exhaustion.
In Pakistan, marriage is often treated as a social obligation rather than an emotional partnership. Families prioritise age, societal pressure, and “log kya kahenge” over emotional compatibility, mutual understanding, and mental wellbeing. As a result, two completely different individuals are often bound together in the name of tradition, while their emotional needs are ignored. Although Islam emphasises kindness, compatibility, and mutual respect in marriage, society frequently reduces it to a social arrangement.
One such story belongs to a woman, Nazia Ahmed, whose life became a symbol of emotional sacrifice and social pressure. At 25, she was repeatedly told by her mother that she was “getting too old” for marriage.
She married in 2010, and initially her marriage was peaceful. Her husband was kind and supportive, unlike the rest of his family. However, three years later, he passed away, leaving her with two young children. Instead of allowing her time to heal and rebuild her life, her family pressured her into marrying her late husband’s brother, a man with a completely different personality.
Again, emotional compatibility, mental wellbeing, and personal choice were ignored. The marriage was arranged under social pressure, prioritising remarriage over her peace of mind. She entered this second marriage carrying emotional stress and uncertainty.
She said, “My husband failed to provide emotional, financial, social, or physical support. Yet I remained silent, as society often teaches women to endure suffering to save the marriage.” Over time, her pain became normalised and invisible.
Today, she lives in an emotionally toxic environment with three children, where conflict and neglect dominate daily life. Most painful of all, her children after years of witnessing shouting and emotional abuse have begun to reflect the same behavior, learning aggression. Even the children no longer listen to or respect their mother.
Just imagine what happens when three boys grow up watching their father insult, shout at, and emotionally abuse their mother every single day. What kind of husbands will they become in the future? Emotional trauma and toxic behaviour silently pass from one generation to the next.
One is forced to ask: can a relationship built on pressure, silence, fear, and emotional suffering truly be called a marriage?
Another painful example is Nadia Tunio, who became a widow three years after marriage and was left with two children. She faced constant pressure to remarry, but most proposals ended when people learned she had children, with some even suggesting she leave them behind.
She chose to stay with her children and remain unmarried. For years, she struggled alone emotionally, socially, and financially, yet this constant stress and isolation created an emotionally difficult environment that quietly affected her children.
This reflects a broader reality in our society, where emotional safety inside homes is often ignored, despite being essential for a child’s healthy development.
The problem becomes even more dangerous when combined with social instability. Many Pakistani children are growing up surrounded by economic uncertainty, rising inflation, toxic online exposure, educational pressure, and weakening family bonds. In urban areas, parents are increasingly absent due to demanding work schedules. In some homes, mobile phones have replaced emotional connection. In others, constant marital conflict creates an atmosphere of emotional insecurity. Children absorb all of this silently.
Our society also suffers from generational trauma. Many parents who were raised with harsh discipline, emotional neglect, or fear unknowingly repeat the same patterns with their own children. A father who was beaten as a child may believe viol]ence builds character. A mother who was never emotionally heard may struggle to emotionally connect with her children. Trauma travels quietly from one generation to the next unless it is acknowledged and healed.
Schools in Pakistan are also not fully equipped to respond to these emotional realities. Academic performance is prioritised while emotional wellbeing is neglected. Children dealing with fear or trauma are often punished for poor concentration or behavioral issues instead of being supported. Mental health counseling remains rare in most schools, especially in rural and middle-income communities.
The consequences of ignoring childhood trauma are visible everywhere in society. Adults struggling with anger, emotional instability, broken relationships, intolerance, and violence often carry unresolved wounds from childhood. A society that raises emotionally unsafe children cannot expect emotionally healthy adults.
Pakistan urgently needs a cultural shift in how parenting, discipline, and emotional wellbeing are understood. Protecting children is not limited to providing food, clothing, and education. Emotional safety matters just as much as physical safety. Parents must realise that constant fighting, humiliation, threats, and emotional neglect leave lasting scars on the mind.
There is also a need for public awareness campaigns about child psychology and mental health. Schools should introduce counselors and emotional education programs. Religious leaders, teachers, media personalities, and policymakers must collectively help break the silence around emotional abuse and domestic conflict. Instead of glorifying harshness, society must learn to value empathy, patience, and emotional understanding.
Children are not machines programmed to “be strong.” Their brains are developing every single day through the environments they experience. A child raised in fear does not simply “forget” that fear when they grow older. The body remembers. The brain remembers.
If we truly want a healthier future, it must begin inside homes. It is the emotional climate of today’s households that will shape the emotional stability of tomorrow.
The writer is a teacher and freelance contributor and can be reached at rabiayousufzai26@gmail.com
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